wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
