I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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