Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
