i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Randomize
