you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
