Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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