your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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