The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
