You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
