I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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