He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
