you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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