He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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