im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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