I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize