I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
