YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
