every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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