she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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