Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize