she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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