Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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