There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
