I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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