We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
