I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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