My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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