what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
