awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
