I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
