we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
