I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
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