Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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