I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize