Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
