this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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