hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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