in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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