I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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