i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
