please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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