College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
