Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
