I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
