I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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