It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Even the bartender felt bad for me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I will be naked everywhere
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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