just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
