I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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