Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
