No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
