4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
