Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
