I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
