i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
only you would photoshop your dick
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
