True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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