The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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