My room smells like vodka and shame
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
