I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
