my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
