Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
